Why is it so hard to make decisions as an HSP? A Massachusetts HSP Therapist talks about Decision Paralysis
The short answer: because you’re good at it.
Some people might call overthinking the achilles heel of the Highly Sensitive person. As a therapist for Highly Sensitive people, I prefer to think of it as one of the many HSP assets. Yet, I understand that it can cause frustration and anxiety. I’d like to talk about some of the strengths and pitfalls in the HSP decision making process.
Decision Paralysis and Depth of Processing
A common theme that my clients struggle with is decision paralysis. It makes sense, if you look at it within the context of the Highly Sensitive brain. One of the four distinguishing characteristics of High Sensitivity is depth of processing. Part of depth of processing includes thinking before acting. It’s an evolved skill to help reduce risks! Elaine Aron, PhD talks about this in her book Psychotherapy and the Highly Sensitive Person.
Although it’s a great gift, your pause and reflect asset might not feel like it when it makes your decision making longer and more difficult.
No one wants decision paralysis! But you can’t have strong risk reduction (thinking before acting) without a thorough decision making process. The good news is, you can also reduce not just your risks but your decision paralysis too.
In addition to thinking before acting, the HSP brain has the amazing ability to look at a question from many different angles. Highly Sensitive people want to know a lot of things before moving forward with any decision. What will the long term consequences be? Is this the right choice for everyone? What if such and such changes down the road, would we still make the same decision now? Who and what will this decision affect that we are not taking into consideration yet? How will this decision affect them?
These are all very important questions! And as a Highly Sensitive person, you are excellently positioned to answer them. But are also very difficult questions to answer. Answering them often takes more time than many non-HSP people want to put in. Sometimes you might find yourself frustrated that others aren’t backing you up to do good research. Other times you yourself might want to cut the questions down if you’re feeling pressed for time.
Decision Paralysis wants 100% certainty
Sound, thorough research and asking good questions is part of what makes Highly Sensitive people an asset to any decision making process. However, your HSP conscientiousness can easily spiral into a desire to have 100% certainty. Your thorough thinking tricks you into believing that if you could just come up with all the possible scenarios, you’d be able to know what’s best. And just because we all know that’s impossible, it doesn’t stop you from feeling like it’s attainable!
So how to deal with the fact that there will never be 100% certainty? How can you keep your mind from drowning in the “what if’s”? The answer to this has two parts: cognitive changes and emotional curiosity.
Decision paralysis antidote #1: aim for “Certain Enough”
On the cognitive side, you can try shifting the end goal. What if (pun intended) instead of 100% certainty you aimed for being certain enough? All we can do is know what we know right now. Keeping this in mind when you’re going down the rabbit hole of possible outcomes can help reign in the endless research. I’m guessing you knew this already. (Spoiler: it’s the easier of the two parts.)
Decision paralysis antidote #2: Emotional Curiosity
The emotional curiosity is more complicated. What happens when you decide to make a decision? Do your palms get sweaty and it feels like the world will fall apart if you get it wrong? It might sound funny, but if you’ve experienced it, you know the fear that can creep in. Sometimes our cognitive thinking has the best of intentions, but our emotions have other ideas.
When this happens, get really curious. Notice what’s happening in your body: feeling hot, racing heart, tightness in your chest or stomach. Then ask yourself, What’s the fear? What do you imagine will happen once you make the decision? This one may not be obvious. Try not to get too frustrated if you can’t figure it out right away. These things take time to become clear. Often the reason lies so far back in our experience that we’ve buried it. It can be helpful to find a therapist so you can explore all of this with good support. It’s easy to get lost in all the thoughts that might come up.
Decision Paralysis is not inevitable
The thing is, HSPs make really good decisions! It can feel hard to remember this when you’re feeling pressure in the thick of the process.
Your decision making process is not wrong.
In fact, it’s to be envied! The world needs risk reduction and thoroughly researched decisions. And you can’t get that without time and thoroughness.
About the Author
I’m the founder and owner of Bronwyn Shiffer Psychotherapy and a Smith School for Social Work MSW graduate. I love supporting HSPs in owning and embracing their decision making process.
Based in Madison, WI, I am licensed in three states and provide online therapy in Boston and throughout Massachusetts, virtual therapy in Washington, DC, and telehealth therapy in Wisconsin. In addition to HSP therapy, I also provide counseling for depression and anxiety therapy.